Le Chou is Europe's most dedicated source of news. Catch up weekly on the biggest headlines with our roundup, all with an intentionally inaccurate and satirical streak. Follow live updates on Twitter.
*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
Le Chou can reveal which candidates have been chosen to make up the next European Commission, headed by President Ursula von der Leyen, in what is a world EXCLUSIVE.
Germany’s von der Leyen has assembled a team of 26 officials from the EU member countries to serve in her next Commission, due to take office by the end of the year. Here are the names.
Austria - Two racists stuffed into the same trench coat
In a bold move, Vienna has decided to send two bigoted representatives to Brussels. To be fair to the government, it is a man and a woman.
Belgium - Charles Michel in a cheap wig
As previously reported by Le Chou, Belgium has unwittingly nominated an obviously-disguised Charles Michel for European Commissioner. The former Council president claimed that he was “doing it for the sake of gender equality”, in what was yet another trademark swing and a miss.
Bulgaria - Boris Borisov’s third-favourite henchman
Former PM and current political powerbroker Boris Borisov has agreed to second one of his minions to Brussels.
Croatia - Nikola Tesla’s great-grandson
He’s Croatian not Serbian, according to sources contacted by Le Chou.
Cyprus - Suitcase full of roubles
In an unfortunate mixup, the Cypriot government sent a payment for a European ‘golden passport’ to Brussels by mistake. Nicosia has since requested its return.
Czechia - Five kilos of uranium
Prague’s insistence on landing the energy job and putting a nuclear reactor in everyone’s back garden is a top government priority.
Denmark - A knitted elephant
Long-time EU Commissioner Margrethe Vestager will not be keeping her job, instead one of the adorable soft pachyderms she knitted during a College meeting will fill the position.
Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania - Megazord
The three Baltic states have agreed to pool their resources to form one giant mechanical robot. The Baltic Megazord is expected to be given the defence portfolio and fight monsters that emerge from the Baltic Sea.
Finland - Moominmamma
After a bitter power struggle in Helsinki, Moominmamma will represent Finland, after Moominpappa was overlooked for the job at the eleventh hour.
France - Michel Barnier
Emmanuel Macron’s latest attempts to appease the French centre-right include making Barnier prime minister, European Commissioner, head of the French olympic committee and commander in chief of the coast guard.
Greece - Noel Gallagher
Greece’s Prime Minister really wants Oasis tickets.
Hungary - Definitely not a Russian spy
Viktor Orban’s government will be represented by an official who is definitely not a Kremlin plant and who will definitely not be feeding high-level intel to Vladimir Putin’s despotic regime.
Ireland - Google Europe’s Senior Vice-President For Electricity Theft
As part of a long-running sweetheart tax deal, Ireland’s government was obligated to nominate a senior Google manager to the post.
Italy - An avatar containing the disembodied spirit of Silvio Berlusconi
Italy’s former prime minister is back in politics after an arcane ritual performed by his most loyal acolytes successfully bonded Berlusconi’s essence to a willing human host.
Luxembourg - The ghost of Jean-Claude Juncker
The former Commission boss is doomed to haunt the hallways of the Berlaymont after his family forgot to bury him with a piece of gold so he could enter the afterlife.
Editor's note: We have since been contacted by sources who claim that Juncker is in fact still alive.
Malta - Some English guy
The former British colony has nominated Sir John Huntington-Smiley III as Commissioner.
Netherlands - A gang of angry farmers
In what is another capitulation to the agriculture lobby, the Dutch government has picked six red-faced farmers to dump manure in Brussels — both literally and figuratively.
Poland - A lump of coal
In a bid to get rid of as much coal as possible out of the Polish energy system, Donald Tusk has sent a lump of it to Brussels.
Portugal - Jose Mourinho
Stuck in managerial limbo since a doomed spell at Manchester United, the ‘Special One’ has opted to try his hand at supranational politics instead.
Romania - Doesn’t matter
It doesn’t matter because MEPs will reject this candidate during the hearing process, as is tradition.
Slovakia - Maroš Šefčović
Slovakia’s long-serving Commissioner is so entrenched in Brussels that he is completely immune to even tepid satire, so will also serve another five years.
Slovenia - Slovakia’s EU affairs minister
Slovenia’s government has accidentally nominated a member of the Slovakian government. An easy mistake to make.
Spain - An oil painting of Pedro Sanchez
Spain’s gorgeous prime minister has sent a work of art to Brussels so that “they can enjoy my divine visage across the European Union”.
Sweden - Stellan Skarsgård
Veteran “Dune” actor Stellan Skarsgård is researching a role in a new political thriller.
Extra! Extra!
*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
