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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
European Council President António Costa is struggling to hit the ground running in his new job, as the hangover of Charles Michel’s chaotic five-year-long reign proves difficult to shift.
Costa was hoping to make a fast start to life as head of the EU Council but that hope has been brutally dashed by a Byzantine administrative system and strange protocols, which are all a leftover of Michel’s time in office.
Council sources told Le Chou that Costa was unable to access his email inbox this morning, because in fact the council president does not have one. The reasons? Michel downloaded Russian malware from scam emails on six separate occasions, crippling the entire institution's network for days.
He would also forget his password every Monday morning, so emails are instead printed out and left on his desk. Costa was told when he arrived at work that he would have to write down any emails he would like to send so that an assistant can type them up for him.
The former Portuguese prime minister was also left astounded by the total lack of electricity outlets in his office, as according to Council officials: “Michel electrocuted himself too many times to count, so we had to block them up."
Costa was also reportedly shocked when he answered the phone this morning and a female German voice told him “I hate you! You are worthless! You look like a bungling cartoon character!”
A European Commission spokesperson refused to confirm whether this was indeed Ursula von der Leyen forgetting that Costa had replaced Michel this week, but did cryptically say that “everyone makes mistakes from time to time”.
Council officials are glad though that they can put all of the sharp knives back into the canteen, remove the child-proof locks from the toilet stalls and cancel the institution’s Disney + subscription now that “a grownup is back in charge”.
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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*