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Prigozhin’s Plane Falls Out Of Window
Russian warlord Yevgeny Prigozhin, known for being the first caterer to try and march on Moscow, died in a plane crash that was “absolutely, completely, 100% an accident”, according to Kremlin investigators.
Prigozhin, who earlier in the year rebelled against Vladimir Putin’s command and at one point looked capable of completing his coup, is among 10 dead in a plane crash between Moscow and St Petersburg.
According to investigators there is “nothing to see, please move along, just some flaming wreckage, evidence of a missile strike and the burned corpses of some of Putin’s biggest threats.”
Sources at Russian air traffic control say that one person successfully parachuted out of the plane before it went down but that the unlucky escapee was blown off course and eventually landed in a Moscow crocodile farm.
Dutch Prime Minister Mark Rutte could not be reached for comment as he was reportedly laughing for 45 minutes straight, while hapless EU Council President Charles Michel is in hot water after mistakenly tweeting condolences to the Prigozhin family.
The International Criminal Court in The Hague has already said that there will be no inquest into the incident as it is “bloody obvious what happened”, according to one top judge.
Naive Moscow Cop Pledges To ‘Get To The Truth’
Moscow policeman Sergey Loptov has promised to “work 24/7” to find out what really happened to the Prigozhin plane, pledging to “not rest until I find the culprit and give the deceased’s family peace of mind”.
Loptov, 24, from a small village 450km from the capital, has only been on the Moscow police force for a couple of weeks following a transfer from his small farming community to the big city.
The fresh-faced cop reportedly had “had enough” of small town crime and wanted a new challenge with more action. Less than a month into the new job and his prayers have been answered after his superiors assigned him to the Prigozhin case.
“My commanding officer said that I was the first person he thought of when the case landed on his desk. It is a real honour to be working something so high profile and I cannot wait to start the investigation,” Loptov told Le Chou partner newspaper, Borscht Daily.
Other Moscow police officers are reportedly busy with a spate of jewel heists and stolen supercars so will not be able to assist Loptov, who will have to work the case alone.
“My first act will be to find out more about the victim. Who is Yevgeny Prigozhin and why was he on that plane? My sources already tell me that he was a caterer so maybe this was a dispute between restaurant owners.”
The investigation is ongoing.
Air Crash Experts Weigh-In On Prigozhin Jet Incident
Bird strikes, friendly fire, poor maintenance, sabotage or something else? Air crash investigators from around the world have started to speculate what caused the plane carrying Russian warlord Yevgeny Prigozhin to go down.
Although it is fairly obvious that Prigozhin’s plane was downed deliberately to punish the warlord and his entourage for their failed coup against Putin earlier this year, the exact details of how it was done are still a mystery.
Le Chou has contacted the world’s most eminent air crash investigators to speculate on how it happened, as the true details are likely never to be released by the notoriously opaque Russian security services.
Experts have already suggested that the plane might have flown through a flock of migrating Canada geese or been taken down by a confused air defence system. Others say it could have been classic sabotage by Kremlin operatives.
“It could also have been a total accident. Sanctions on aircraft parts mean that Russian planes are now held together by tape and string. In fact I think I see parts of a dishwasher at the crash site,” another investigator added.
Other theories say that Prigozhin may have refused to put his phone in flight mode before takeoff or that the warlord’s suitcases of wigs and disguises may have been too heavy for the Embraer jet.
The inquest is ongoing.
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