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Wolves Added To EU Terrorist List
European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen has declared war on Europe’s wolf population after conservative political leaders realised that voters had forgotten about their pointless culture wars over the summer break.
Von der Leyen, still bearing a grudge after a wolf killed her favourite horse last year, has offered free interrail passes to any under-25s that bring her a wolf pelt and free mobile phone roaming to any countries that join the EU’s hunt.
“Wolves are a menace. They killed my horse and made us sign gas supply deals with authoritarian countries. You only have to look outside and see them running up and down Rue de la Loi,” von der Leyen told reporters yesterday.
A Commission spokesperson later claimed that wolves sent text messages from von der Leyen’s phone to Pfizer’s CEO and that “they probably don’t even want Ukraine to win the war against Russia.”
In order to placate “bothersome” green groups, the Commission president has appointed a new ‘biodiversity special representative’ to advise on policy and potentially negotiate with wolf leaders.
This new advisor will report directly to von der Leyen and has already been issued with a machine gun and several rounds of ammunition.
One EPP member of the European Parliament said the response was “totally justified” and that “a wolf driving a Chinese electric car ran over my foot and then crashed into a wind turbine”.
Wolf higher-ups, puzzled by the EU’s sudden attention, have reportedly held informal discussions with the Orca Liberation Movement to compare notes and decide on an appropriate response.
“We have already disavowed the lone wolf – please excuse the pun – who allegedly killed Ms von der Leyen’s horse and we consider this matter closed,” a spokeswolf told Le Chou.
The wolf in question was last year presented with a medal of valour by Hungarian Prime Minister and shit-stirrer Viktor Orban.
According to conspiracy theorists contacted by Le Chou, who are in this case not affiliated with the EPP, a wolf did not kill the horse and it was in fact Charles Michel that fed the pony chocolate, accidentally murdering it.
Michel’s office refused to comment on the speculation.
