A group of Brussels residents of varying ages and nationalities speak to The Brussels Times of the trials and tribulations that come with dating after marriage, death and divorce.
This article is part of The Brussels Times' dating series, which includes columns and interviews with experts and members of the public on all matters of the heart.
On a balmy April evening, a small group of acquaintances aged 53 to 82 gathers in a living room in Woluwe-Saint-Pierre to share their stories of dating in Brussels. Each has their own unique experiences, but they can all agree on one thing: forging romantic – and platonic – relationships is no easy feat in the Belgian capital.
Sipping on wine and making polite small talk, they each, in turn, point to the marked difference between dating in this phase of life compared to in their 20s.
"Things aren't like when I was dating before I got married," says Catherine, 56, who is originally from the UK. "We've got loads of stuff going on, complexity, jobs, and at the same time, we have to try and find the next soul mate. It's just too much, and when you get older, you accrue a lot more baggage."
Paul, 59, also from the UK, agrees, adding that many people carry a great deal of trauma with them at this age.
Having been married twice and lived all over the world, British-Guyanese Kathleen*, 70, knows what she wants. She says she is more "cut-throat" than before.
Divorced five years ago, British-Belgian Peter, 82, also says he feels more confident than when he was younger because he's got more experience.
Conor*, 53, who is Irish but moved to Brussels when he was seven, adds: "When you have less time, you have less patience. You know yourself, you know your needs and what you want."
Anna*, 64, is Belgian but has spent most of her life working abroad and had "no time for dating" when raising her children. Now retired, she feels it's time to give it a go, but is finding it tricky after living out of the country for so long.
Han, 64, who moved to Antwerp from Holland when he was eight, also wants something different from when he was 25. "I don't want that same type of relationship. I want to have my space and do my thing, and she has her space. I wouldn't want to live in somebody's home again or vice versa."
So, what do they want?
Catherine, without hesitation, replies with: "Good sex" (this provokes roars of relieved laughter from the rest of the group, who had timidly been referring to "intimate relations" up to this point). For her, this must be coupled with "easy comprehension and not getting married again" – because she's done it already.
Kathleen is focusing on finding someone she can trust and who's fun to be with, while Han also wants good sex, but also freedom to live independently. "In my last relationship, I wasn't married, but I had no freedom," he says.
"You want somebody you can call when you're in trouble. That's what we don't have. You lose that [when you lose somebody]. A partner is often that person."
Conor is looking for "an equal". By this, he means someone who has a job and speaks several languages. Since separating from his partner, Conor also now looks after his children every other week, which adds a layer of complexity when dating. "Finding the woman who's going to put up with those restraints isn't difficult, but it's not easy."
Is age just a number?
Opinion is divided among the group when it comes to age. Catherine, for instance, says she likes "the young ones". Kathleen, in contrast, cannot understand why older women would want to date younger men at all.
"I will never entertain the idea of going out with somebody who's in the age group of my sons, who are in their 40s," she says.
Anna once dated someone who was 17 years younger than her, but this can create issues, especially when there are children in the picture or if they’re still working now that she’s retired. She says dating a man who is older is therefore easier.
At this point, Peter uses the word "cougar", used to describe an older woman dating a younger man. Catherine says the word is sexist, as "men can go for younger women, but women can't go for younger men."
Peter does indeed prefer dating younger women. "My lower cut-off is 60," he says. "I definitely wouldn’t date someone older than me – they're old. They don't have a young attitude to life, and I miss that."
Credit: Canva
While Conor looks for people five years either side of his age, age is "irrelevant" to Paul.
"I've dated ladies five years older than me to 25 years younger," Paul says, adding that there’s less stigma attached to dating people of different ages nowadays. "Age is irrelevant to me. It's about their character and qualities, and you find that in people of various ages."
Catherine says the issue she finds with dating younger men is that they don't have the same life experience as her: "They haven’t got their life plans sorted yet, they don’t know if they want kids or a wife." Some have even asked her for advice on renting apartments. "I feel like I'm their mummy. I've already got two kids; I don’t need a third one."
Putting a price on love
Everyone in the group has tried their hand at dating apps, and some have even paid a premium to find love – to no avail.
Catherine and Kathleen paid €350 and €200, respectively, for Parship, a popular app among French speakers. Peter, meanwhile, spent €30 on Badoo, and Han spent €15 for a premium week on Tinder.
Conor says the premium versions of dating apps do make a difference, but Han cautions against them: as soon as he ended his subscription, all his likes disappeared. "This is the algorithm: you pay more, and it channels more things to your profile."
Catherine says Bumble is full of "boring Flemish guys", while Kathleen describes it as "absolute hogwash".
Anna is tired of scrolling endlessly and dead-end conversations. "It's a dopamine system," she says, as Conor adds that they are gamified and addictive. "You're disposable," says Catherine, adding that she's never going near the apps again.
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People quickly reach for the apps after divorce because they’re lonely, the group say, but aren’t transparent about what they want. "A couple of years into divorce, they think things are settled, but in reality, they're not settled," says Anna.
"I think Brussels has a lot of emotionally unavailable people," Catherine adds. "I've asked men several times, 'Why are you on an app?' Because they're not ready for a relationship, it's too quick, or they're just getting divorced, or they're still married."
Kathleen recalls finding the apps fun initially: she'd wake up in the middle of the night and be excited to see lots of profiles pop up. But the novelty has since worn off. "They're horrible. When this subscription is finished, I'll be off them again."
Instead, they're all turning their attention to in-person events, such as those organised by Timeleft, Meetup and InterNations, and widening their social circles rather than dating intentionally.
Credit: Timeleft
But this is difficult in a city like Brussels, which is transient in its nature. "The locals are very scared of committing to international people because they come and go. They don't know if you're going to stay," says Conor.
Paul agrees, adding, "In the expat community, it's very hard to meet local Belgians who are interested in forming a relationship or a friendship with you. Finding sex is pretty easy. But finding friends is hard."
He now has friends from Brussels dotted around the world, which has its perks, but it means "you need to regenerate your friendship groups almost constantly."
Catherine adds, however, that "the paradox is that we're not really expats. We've been here so long, and we're Belgians. And yet we're not."
Looking to the future
How optimistic does the group now feel about dating?
Some in the group have met people in recent weeks, but are already experiencing "ups and downs" due to the complexities of having children and different expectations.
Catherine deleted the apps on New Year's Eve and is feeling much better for it. "It's much nicer, and you meet people over time. On an app, there's more pressure," she says. She's had to "kiss a lot of frogs" since her divorce five years ago, but is determined to "never give up".
Paul has also deleted all his dating apps. In his experience, "if you don't bother looking, it sometimes comes your way."
Conor, on the other hand, feels more despondent when it comes to dating. Just as he was deleting Bumble a few weeks ago, he met someone, but is unsure where it will go. Ultimately, he says, "I'm sick of having my heart broken."
If you have a story to share of dating in the city, get in touch! i.vivian@brusselstimes.com
*Name has been changed to protect the speaker's identity.
