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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte was discovered crying and searching for resignation letter templates this morning after US voters decided Donald Trump should be president.
Dutchman Rutte had reportedly been up since the early hours of the morning following the live election coverage and quickly became inconsolable when Trump emerged as the clear winner of the vote.
“It wasn’t supposed to be like this! The job was supposed to be cheeky handshakes and state dinners, not actual work!” the former prime minister reportedly screeched as Trump approached the 270 electoral college votes needed to secure the presidency.
America’s next president has clashed with NATO members in the past, has a cosy relationship with Russian despot Vladimir Putin and has threatened to abandon the security alliance. NATO's leader will therefore have to be switched on 24/7 in order to prevent the organisation from collapsing.
At time of publishing, Rutte had apparently locked himself in his office and refused to come out. “It sounds like he’s just writing resignation letters and listening to Radiohead,” one NATO official told Le Chou.
A spokesperson for European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen, who Rutte edged out to take the NATO job, denied that she rang her rival this morning to gloat. Instead, they insisted that it was a “fun conversation between friends”.
**UPDATE: After this story was published, Mark Rutte was seen fleeing NATO headquarters on his bicycle. Sources say he was heading for “somewhere you’ll never find me”.
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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
