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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
Berlusconi ‘Gone Too Soon’ At Just 187 Years Old
Italy’s former prime minister Silvio Berlusconi died today at just 187 years old, prompting world leaders and many others with selective memories to issue tributes to the controversial politician.
After a long struggle with illness, common decency and the Italian legal system, billionaire Silvio Berlusconi finally shuffled off his mortal coil on Monday, leaving behind grieving patrons and a “truly devastated” 33-year-old girlfriend.
His career began as a singer on cruise ships before gradually transitioning to media tycoon and world leader. From accusations of sleeping with underage prostitutes and accepting bribes to racist comments and propping up murderous regimes, Berlusconi did it all.
“Yes he was an undead creature of the night that was found guilty of numerous criminal offences and yes he may have helped poison the political discourse for perhaps decades to come, but he did say some funny things, didn't he!” the EPP Group said in a statement.
Former US secretary of state Henry Kissinger expressed his regret at Berlusconi’s passing but privately expressed concern that there are now fewer ghoulish men to take his place in hell.
“He will be greatly missed,” said a small model of Milan cathedral that a protester used to smash in Berlusconi’s face in 2009. “We later reconciled and he invited me to holiday with him in Sardinia,” said the souvenir church. As a mark of respect, the former PM's state funeral will be held in a full-scale replica of the souvenir.
However, many are still convinced that Berlusconi could still make one of his infamous comebacks. Analysts still cannot agree whether he or Boris Johnson is more likely to mount a successful return to politics.
Others simply refuse to believe that he is dead. Fans and critics alike say that they believed Berlusconi would live forever, either because the “world needs Silvio” or because they believed he was a supernatural being like a vampire or ghoul.
Orban Refuses To Accept Migrants From Narnia
Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban says his country will not accept refugees from the mythical kingdom of Narnia after a portal to the snow-bound land was discovered in one of his government’s buildings.
“I don’t care if there are thousands of enslaved fantasy creatures under the yoke of a supernatural tyrant, Narnia’s residents do not share our Judeo-Christian values,” Orban told reporters.
Hungary’s PM last week railed against an EU deal on migration, which despite making crucial concessions to his government, was still not draconian enough in its approach.
Although the pact now caps the number of migrants that coastguards can dump in the sea at night, Brussels negotiators hoped that a loophole specifically written in to placate Budapest would be enough to shut Orban up.
According to the agreement, Hungary will be allowed to buy two barrels of embargoed Russian oil for every one migrant that is accepted at the border.
Hungary’s diplomats were at first keen on the deal but on closer inspection eventually realised that the number of exemptions already written into the EU’s sanction regime means Orban can buy as much oil as he wants without worrying about migration at all.
Charles Michel Pretends To Have Secret Stash Of Docs
EU Council President Charles Michel has revealed that he keeps boxes of highly sensitive documents at his Brussels home. However, this claim has been dismissed by top officials who say the papers are all blank.
In a bid to look important and claw back a bit of relevance, former Belgium PM Michel has told visiting foreign dignitaries and leaders that he keeps stacks of classified EU documents at home in his bathroom.
Inspired by Donald Trump’s latest run-in with the law, Michel told officials that he has the EU’s nuclear launch codes, passwords that grant access to the European Central Bank’s money printers and a list of every spy in Brussels.
However, his story has been comprehensively debunked by Council officials who told Le Chou that the boxes of documents are filled with blank pieces of paper and other assorted stationary.
“He kept asking to see important stuff and obviously we couldn’t let him anywhere near it. To shut him up we sent these boxes over to his house and he finally stopped asking,” one diplomat revealed.
Michel's lies are believed to be part of an obviously-doomed bid to be the next secretary-general of NATO, which many defence experts have derided as "laughably implausible".
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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
