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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
Europe’s Rightwing Rolls Out EU ‘Brown Deal’
Conservative-minded politicians have had enough of the Green Deal and have proposed a new ‘Brown Deal’ to win over businesses and dimwitted voters ahead of next year’s EU-wide elections.
Fresh from trying to kill a new law aimed at restoring nature to its former glory and currently focused on literally killing wolves, Europe’s rightwing is now attempting to take the green shine off of the EU’s flagship policy.
Too lazy to win the economic argument for more clean power but desperately trying to hang onto political power, the EU Parliament’s biggest party, the EPP, is turning on climate policies that it previously championed.
Parliament boss Roberta Metsola has even warned that if the green transition accelerates too quickly then humanity could paradoxically find itself in an ‘Armageddon’ scenario with no way out.
“Have you seen that movie? We needed oil riggers to go up into space and drill into a giant meteorite so NASA could blow it up with a nuclear warhead. Do you really think a solar panel technician could do that?”
When asked how this new philosophy towards climate policies tallies with record rainfall and flooding in Greece, EPP chief Manfred Weber insisted on focusing on the silver linings of the deadly disaster.
“Many Greeks have lost their homes, some even their lives. This is of course terrible. But many also now own beachfront property, which is far more valuable than before the flood. We should bear the positives in mind,” the German MEP explained.
Another MEP was also overheard at a Brussels bar asking a colleague “what if people start living longer because they walk more and there’s less toxic sludge in the air? How are we going to pay their pensions?”
Europe’s conservatives are also trying to secure overall control of EU green policies for the next year by backing the Dutch government’s candidate pick, Wopke Hoekstra, for the currently vacant job.
Hoekstra is a controversial figure, having worked in the past for oil giant Shell. He also interned in Mordor’s human resources department and spent a brief stint with Lord Voldemort’s Death Eaters.
The EU Parliament’s rightwing insists that “none of this precludes Mr Hoekstra from contention”. He will face an MEP hearing later this month.
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*Le Chou is intended for purely satirical and entertainment purposes and does not reflect the views of The Brussels Times*
